Swiss Army Pipe

Christians Demand for Evidence Jumps from None to Some

Posted by bac
February 27, 2007

Lawmaker Calls Blacks Tar, Cry Babies

Posted by Micky Vax
January 17, 2007

Delegate Frank Hargrove of Virginia urged African Americans to forget about the past and stop demanding apologies for slavery. Hargrove bolstered his position by asking the rhetorical question, “Are we going to force Jews to apologize for killing Christ?” This was shortly before he climbed onto a V8 Hemi piloted by filmmaker-actor Mel Gibson. The pair were last seen off into the sunset towards a mystical land of religious and ethnic purity.

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Selections from the Diary of Jeff Skilling

Posted by Micky Vax
January 9, 2007

Jeff Skilling is arrested
We’ve all heard very little about the former CEO of Enron Jeff Skilling ever since his sentencing in October of 2006 but Swiss Army Pipe’s team of crack reporters has retrieved a copy of Skilling’s diary which was recently confiscated from him in prison. So here it is:

Selections from the Diary of Jeff Skilling

February, 2001 – Big Promotion
To all those who warned me against a loveless marriage I say unto thee: get fucked. A loving spouse would have made me stop poisoning my coworkers. But now who stands atop a glorious pile of corpses as C-E-O-OH-OOOHHH!?

April, 2001 – Synergy Business
I used the terms asshole, shitworm, and cock juggling thunder cunt twelve times today. And all of them were directed at people I was simultaneously giving bonuses, ASSHOLE! LOL. Man, I am so drunk off power, and bourbon, I can’t stop vomiting bourbon.

August, 2001 – Resignation
Turned in the old resignation today. Wanted to spend more time with the kids. Tenderly tucked them in earlier while squeezing their plump organs to check for progress on harvesting thing. Papa needs a new pair of eyes.

February, 2004 – Indictment
Dirty fucking commies wanna get me for stealing Christmas presents from Whoville. Or was it the California thing?
October, 2006 – Sentencing
Sauntered/stumbled in to court like a man of taste and decency. Judge wanted to give me 24 years. I drunkenly demanded he sentence me a martini. He won,
October, 2006 – Prison
Met my new cellmate, Mad Dog (might be one word). He’s an accountant that got nailed for embezzlement. Made me bend to make a deposit in my offshore account. I later went to the bathroom and quietly liquefied my assets.

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Cheney Resumes Hunting, Pelosi Invited for Weekend Getaway

Posted by Micky Vax
January 8, 2007

“Little does she know that no one can “getaway” from the likes of master murderman Dick Cheney” cackled the vice president as his bald head was buffed to a sinister shine by his mute henchman.

The vice-president has resumed his pastime of murdering small birds grown solely for the purpose of being shot at by Dick Cheney. My fellow Americans, I implore you, stop this man before he kills again… people I mean, I’m sure he’s already massacred a dozen or so flightless ducks over the course of this morning, and technically he has not killed anyone with his own hands, or gun, as far as I know. But still, let’s not let him shoot someone else in the face.

The actual news story which I am drawing this information actually does have elements of noir. Notably, “Cheney will not make any public appearances, but will hunt with some companions that [his aide] declined to identify.” In turn, police will have trouble identifying those companions as well, when their bodies are dredged from a Pennsylvania lake three months later.